Monday Morning

Things are better.

I am actually sleeping. For a few weeks, I would get in bed, close my eyes, toss and turn..........then pop up at the designated time and go. I am actually nodding off now and when I open my eyes......feel groggy and roll back over to sleep alittle more.

This has helped me feel better.

I am eating. For two weeks I did but didn't. The big red flag came one day when I realized I was eating just bread and butter.........oh yeah.......I said that out loud. Don't judge please.......*sigh*

Hunger pains make me nervous.

For quite a while, I never felt hungry, never had that "feeling in my tummy"..............the one that says......"we need food." If you ignore that feeling, you get dizzy, lightheaded......cranky. Like I said, this makes me nervous.................so I binge. I shove a large amount of something in me to make it all better.

The hunger pains came back about 4 years ago.........when I feel them now, I eat. I hate feeling them because I know I haven't eaten and I need to.

I hate saying that I binge, but what else do you call eating really fast all that is around you?

*sigh*

The things I don't say out loud.

I have been watching my behavior a little more closely lately........Making sure I eat, watching the portion size, chosing what is appropiate for my diet.

My client's ask me often, "Are you on a diet Miss Tina?"

I always respond, "No." I am not on a diet but I do have a "diet" that I try to follow............The hard part about trying to follow my diet, is that it kinda draws attention to me.

*sigh* We all know how much I loooooooove attention.

My system is fucked up. I did damage...........you can not be Anorexic most of your life and expect to have a perfectly functioning body when you decide to get help. I don't know what I have done, don't want too......but if you peruse the literature and research on eating disorders, you can find all the crap that comes from them.

My "Diet":

Small portions.

lots of chicken and fish

fruits and veggies

pasta and bread

potatoes

ground beef

cheese


These are all easily digestable............

I do try alot of things............the problem is.............not everything is always gonna work.........even the things I am ok with get me sometimes. I can not eat hot/spicy foods......really greasy foods.......dairy and I.......ehhh......it's complicated. I create alot of stuff........I may seem picky......but it's actually me being responsible enough to know that I don't want to get sick later.

To sum it up.................protein and I............will never be totally cool.

I also have to be careful with alcohol................my body does not process alcohol well and can tolerate only a small amount. I did not drink for years because of this and the fact that I didn't want to become my mother.

I do drink occasionally now.......sometimes too much. I am considering giving it up for good.........I never know if one will be too much or if I can have three.............


I HATE HAVING TO WATCH MYSELF CONSTANTLY AND INVENTORY, CATALOGUE, COUNT, THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT GOES IN ME.

It makes me different, I know it.................and I try to not stick out...........I try to blend in............seem normal.

I get nervous around other people just for these reasons.................why?

The societal norm that states: "People can comment and/or question anything they deem odd or different. Can remark about anything to you they feel like.........not considering the ramifications of what they say."

People I know and don't know say the most fucked up things to me.

"You're so cute, you make me sick."

"If I wanted to wear that, I would have to not eat for a month."

"You always look so cute, if I was your size I could wear that."

"There's nothing to you."

"How do you stay so tiny?"

"Do you eat?"

EVERYDAY.......I hear crap like this.

I am petite.

Fucking deal with it assholes...............This is the stuff that is said to my face.............I can only imagine what is said behind my back.

The things I don't say out loud.

It is much easier to blend in.......wear clothes a size too big...........no make up.......sneakers......find the shadow in the corner......and become one with it.

No matter how good I feel about me....................or how I express it.............I catch bullshit.

I become self-conscious.......

Nervous........

Awkward and clumsy..............


I have learned to deal/cope with it..............I am getting better.

The confidence and strength I need to say "fuck it".................................................is developing.

This is good.

I am pushing the limits more.........

I am starting to say things out loud.