It's called Anorexia, it is a Chronic Disease with no cure...........woohoo

I hate the fact that I can't be normal.
I long to be average.

It infuriates me that IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!

After I put the finishing touches on his Birthday cake today..............I went upstairs, climbed into bed, and cried. I don't want to eat the cake. I don't want to eat. I forced myself to finish my burger and fries.........................I have not eaten much lately.

I can come up with many creative excuses as to why I am not nom-noming on all my favorite treats but that would be all they are..................excuses.

It's simple...........I gained weight....................

I can actually see it......the weight gain. I am puffier in some spots.....I jiggle......wiggle......

This is unsettling and very terrifying for me.

I look at myself in the mirror........naked............I don't like what I see right now..........
In my distorted mind's eye I see this funky shaped man/woman being with a fat gut, bird legs, and this unruly mane of huge curly hair.

I struggle everyday with feeling comfortable in my own skin.
I love the woman I have become and the things I have accomplished...............I just need to see it on paper. I can't look at myself and think about all the good things, the awesomeness without thinking that I am kidding myself.

This is something I will have to manage and battle everyday for the rest of my life.
This is something that will keep me constantly alone and isolationistic.
I have built up many walls........
I have defenses that work too well.


These are the things I don't say out loud........