She Sells Sanctuary

All day, every day...........however she keeps none for herself.

I find it so IRONIC that I spend my energies and resources enpowering others. Total strangers and those that I love.
There's that word again........LOVE. It has become the bane of my existance actually. Think about it this way for a minute..................George Carlin, eons ago, created a list of the......I will so get this wrong.........The Words you can't say?

I think if you are reading this, you are fairly intelligent and know the work of Carlin..............so you know what I am getting at.

Anyway.................

I think the number one word on that list should have been LOVE.

(Don't be such a fucking cynic sweetie...........)

It's not that I am being cynical.....or jaded............or bitter..........etc.etc.

I AM BEING REAL. HONEST.

It is one of the most damaging words ev-er............

Here is a little experiment to validate my theory........

Take this word......LOVE. Put it into whatever contextual form you chose........now.........THINK.

Let it play out, be a devil's advocate if you wish.....................

Comes out distorted? twisted?

I have never had a "good" love. I sometimes wonder if I truly know how to love.


*Circling back to the point I am trying to make*

If I understood love.......could internalize it in a positive way.............shake off the fear, the anxiety, the fact that it is out of my control and I will never be able to "scientifically" quantify/qualify it.............I would keep a little of what I sell for myself.

I allow myself no sanctuary.
I won't slow down.
I don't know how to ask for things I need.........
I don't know how to say..........."I'm not ok. I need *fill in the blank*"


I dance around it.
I elude to it.

Comes back to that Shame/Guilt thing............

I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS DISEASE FOR ALMOST TEN YEARS............TO SAY I AM NOT OK, THAT I AM STRUGGLING,............................ADMITS DEFEAT IN MY MINDS EYE..........THAT MAKES ME FEEL................YUCKY.

There is a part of me......that thinks that to admit I need support, need my hand held sometimes............will make people think less of me, push them away........

There is a part of me that says...............Keep it in the background. Put on a strong facade............NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH THE HIGH MAINTENANCE, HOT MESS YOU CAN BE. NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE TO TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE ANOREXIC.


This is a disease that keeps me alone, isolationistic.

These are the things I don't say out loud.