"What goes on in that Pretty Little Head of Yours......

What goes on in that place in the dark?"

Too much at this moment.

I am quite possibly the craziest person I know...............or maybe I should say...I feel like I'm crazy.

I know I am not.

If I am too much of anything, it is honest. I fight my distortions, fears, anxieties..........I REFUSE to let something that has no physical form destroy my life. It is not a physical malady.......it is totally in my pretty little head. Which makes it very hard to deal with........why?

YOU CAN NOT SEE IT.
YOU CAN NOT TOUCH IT.
YOU CAN NOT COVER IT UP, CUT IT OUT, SCHMEAR AN OINMENT ON IT.....ETC. ETC.

The only way to know whether I am ok or not is if I tell you............

Right now I am dealing with.................and I know this is going to sound like the stupidest thing ev-er. It is something I have never said out loud.................because I KNOW...........it will be misinterpreted and I don't feel like defending my feelings.

That's the fucked up thing about this...........the distortions, shame, guilt, embarrassment...........they keep me isolated.......they keep YOU out. I am too afraid to share some of this stuff........

Most of the time when I do, when I feel like I can trust someone enough...........that's when "The Responsibility of Tina" sets in and 95% of the people I know.........walk away. Get out. Honestly..........I am too much crazy to deal with.

That is how I feel, that is what I have been shown........people would rather deal with an alcoholic or junkie than with the Anorexic.

What am I dealing with right now?

*sigh*

Being Pretty.

How dumb is that? I mean that's just......dumb.

LOL!
*sigh*

I am embarrassed by the fact that I am viewed as attractive. I become incredibly nervous when I receive compliments on my appearance. I feel ashamed..........I want to apologize and go hide in a corner.

That is one reason I get so angry when I go to work and I am told that I "look cute today". I get angry when someone tells me to "use what I got"...........That is why I feed my brain, why I crave knowledge.......I want you to see my abilities not my countenance.

I have made progress however.......I am accepting it on some level........

I wear clothes that fit, I hold my head up, I am not afarid to dress up and be pretty..........I do it occasionally...........I just get nervous when people look at me...........when I get the up and down look over, when someone lingers too long.......when I walk into a room or group of people and they look................

The compliments.......

It freaks me out.

I want to apologize............

I want to say.......sorry. It's not my fault.......this is genetics, biology.......I can't help it. Please go away and just leave me alone thank you very much.

The things I don't say out loud keep me alone. Isolated.

I have learned to hold my own hand. C'mon......it is easier to wring my hands, play with my hair........than to say......"I am feeling nervous, would you mind if I held your hand for a bit?"

I have learned to hug myself. I wrap my arms around myself like I am stretching or maybe have a chill.........it is easier than asking for a hug or wanting a arm around my shoulder for a bit.

I can calm my nerves........I can take care of me......and not be bothersome or needy.......

*sigh*

It does feel good to say these things.................
To let it out................

The part of this that is most dangerous is the isolation................it keeps me in that pretty little head of mine and allows the unhealthy to exist.......Thankfully I have alot of healthy in there too......by forcing myself to "say it out loud"...........I push out the "bad" and allow room for the "good" to grow.

Monday Morning

Things are better.

I am actually sleeping. For a few weeks, I would get in bed, close my eyes, toss and turn..........then pop up at the designated time and go. I am actually nodding off now and when I open my eyes......feel groggy and roll back over to sleep alittle more.

This has helped me feel better.

I am eating. For two weeks I did but didn't. The big red flag came one day when I realized I was eating just bread and butter.........oh yeah.......I said that out loud. Don't judge please.......*sigh*

Hunger pains make me nervous.

For quite a while, I never felt hungry, never had that "feeling in my tummy"..............the one that says......"we need food." If you ignore that feeling, you get dizzy, lightheaded......cranky. Like I said, this makes me nervous.................so I binge. I shove a large amount of something in me to make it all better.

The hunger pains came back about 4 years ago.........when I feel them now, I eat. I hate feeling them because I know I haven't eaten and I need to.

I hate saying that I binge, but what else do you call eating really fast all that is around you?

*sigh*

The things I don't say out loud.

I have been watching my behavior a little more closely lately........Making sure I eat, watching the portion size, chosing what is appropiate for my diet.

My client's ask me often, "Are you on a diet Miss Tina?"

I always respond, "No." I am not on a diet but I do have a "diet" that I try to follow............The hard part about trying to follow my diet, is that it kinda draws attention to me.

*sigh* We all know how much I loooooooove attention.

My system is fucked up. I did damage...........you can not be Anorexic most of your life and expect to have a perfectly functioning body when you decide to get help. I don't know what I have done, don't want too......but if you peruse the literature and research on eating disorders, you can find all the crap that comes from them.

My "Diet":

Small portions.

lots of chicken and fish

fruits and veggies

pasta and bread

potatoes

ground beef

cheese


These are all easily digestable............

I do try alot of things............the problem is.............not everything is always gonna work.........even the things I am ok with get me sometimes. I can not eat hot/spicy foods......really greasy foods.......dairy and I.......ehhh......it's complicated. I create alot of stuff........I may seem picky......but it's actually me being responsible enough to know that I don't want to get sick later.

To sum it up.................protein and I............will never be totally cool.

I also have to be careful with alcohol................my body does not process alcohol well and can tolerate only a small amount. I did not drink for years because of this and the fact that I didn't want to become my mother.

I do drink occasionally now.......sometimes too much. I am considering giving it up for good.........I never know if one will be too much or if I can have three.............


I HATE HAVING TO WATCH MYSELF CONSTANTLY AND INVENTORY, CATALOGUE, COUNT, THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT GOES IN ME.

It makes me different, I know it.................and I try to not stick out...........I try to blend in............seem normal.

I get nervous around other people just for these reasons.................why?

The societal norm that states: "People can comment and/or question anything they deem odd or different. Can remark about anything to you they feel like.........not considering the ramifications of what they say."

People I know and don't know say the most fucked up things to me.

"You're so cute, you make me sick."

"If I wanted to wear that, I would have to not eat for a month."

"You always look so cute, if I was your size I could wear that."

"There's nothing to you."

"How do you stay so tiny?"

"Do you eat?"

EVERYDAY.......I hear crap like this.

I am petite.

Fucking deal with it assholes...............This is the stuff that is said to my face.............I can only imagine what is said behind my back.

The things I don't say out loud.

It is much easier to blend in.......wear clothes a size too big...........no make up.......sneakers......find the shadow in the corner......and become one with it.

No matter how good I feel about me....................or how I express it.............I catch bullshit.

I become self-conscious.......

Nervous........

Awkward and clumsy..............


I have learned to deal/cope with it..............I am getting better.

The confidence and strength I need to say "fuck it".................................................is developing.

This is good.

I am pushing the limits more.........

I am starting to say things out loud.

Who Doesn't Love Garbage?

Today's theme song....................."Stupid Girl".

I feel like one right now.

I wanted that to be someone else's fault.............why?

Because it is a simple thing to do and manage............I'm realllllly careful......meticulous.

*sigh*

36 yr old women should not be making these mistakes.

I will bash myself briefly and then move on.

But shit!

I'm not a stupid girl damnit!

Why do I act like one? I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL STUPID!

*sigh*

I think it is more embarrassed than stupid............

But.

I made a mistake, it happens, I'm human.............................

Onward.

I shall let the awesomeness of yesterday permeate and make me giggle.

Tee Hee......

The things I won't talk about!

*shakes head*

She Sells Sanctuary

All day, every day...........however she keeps none for herself.

I find it so IRONIC that I spend my energies and resources enpowering others. Total strangers and those that I love.
There's that word again........LOVE. It has become the bane of my existance actually. Think about it this way for a minute..................George Carlin, eons ago, created a list of the......I will so get this wrong.........The Words you can't say?

I think if you are reading this, you are fairly intelligent and know the work of Carlin..............so you know what I am getting at.

Anyway.................

I think the number one word on that list should have been LOVE.

(Don't be such a fucking cynic sweetie...........)

It's not that I am being cynical.....or jaded............or bitter..........etc.etc.

I AM BEING REAL. HONEST.

It is one of the most damaging words ev-er............

Here is a little experiment to validate my theory........

Take this word......LOVE. Put it into whatever contextual form you chose........now.........THINK.

Let it play out, be a devil's advocate if you wish.....................

Comes out distorted? twisted?

I have never had a "good" love. I sometimes wonder if I truly know how to love.


*Circling back to the point I am trying to make*

If I understood love.......could internalize it in a positive way.............shake off the fear, the anxiety, the fact that it is out of my control and I will never be able to "scientifically" quantify/qualify it.............I would keep a little of what I sell for myself.

I allow myself no sanctuary.
I won't slow down.
I don't know how to ask for things I need.........
I don't know how to say..........."I'm not ok. I need *fill in the blank*"


I dance around it.
I elude to it.

Comes back to that Shame/Guilt thing............

I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS DISEASE FOR ALMOST TEN YEARS............TO SAY I AM NOT OK, THAT I AM STRUGGLING,............................ADMITS DEFEAT IN MY MINDS EYE..........THAT MAKES ME FEEL................YUCKY.

There is a part of me......that thinks that to admit I need support, need my hand held sometimes............will make people think less of me, push them away........

There is a part of me that says...............Keep it in the background. Put on a strong facade............NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH THE HIGH MAINTENANCE, HOT MESS YOU CAN BE. NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE TO TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE ANOREXIC.


This is a disease that keeps me alone, isolationistic.

These are the things I don't say out loud.

Too much

I sat on the porch tonight, I needed to be outside. I would have gone for a drive but it's dark.....

I chatted with my neighbor for a few hours...........Small world. Small World Indeed.

I guess a tea and smoke run is in order.........I'm hoping for a good nights sleep..........Tomorrow is a new day........

Shame is something I do not deal with well. I am feeling alot of it right now. The bawling.....

I hate when I cry. I tell my clients it is ok and necessary. I feel weak when I do it. Then I feel guilty.I considered deleting this blog................I was ashamed that I expressed weakness. Telling someone that I am not ok, that I can't handle my disease......................I gained weight and freaked out. I saw how happy my friend is with her life and I was so saddened that I am not happy.............

It is embarrassing.

Thus..................The things I don't talk about.

When things are too good...................I feel like I don't deserve it. Like........really? Me?

I just need to slow down...............

Too much came at me at a time when I am not very strong..............

The Rules

This Blog is special.

It is where I intend to put all the stuff that......I..................wish I could say.
The things I very much would like to talk about but just. Can't.

The subject matter may seem odd at times. Slightly sad. Or just reallly crazy.

Unfortunately.............I am sick. I repress that fact........which becomes problematic.

Outside of the professional help I receive............I am never totally open and honest about (say it) having Anorexia.

Say it again please........

I have Anorexia. I am living with an Eating Disorder.

Feel free to read what I write.........

I don't necessarily want feedback....especially when it sounds like pity or bullshit to make me smile, however if you want to comment or ask questions.........go for it.

I have only one rule..........Please leave this Blog here. I do not want this to be a catalyst for some conversation. What I say here......stays here.

I don't want to talk about this per say.........but i won't keep it in anymore.

It's called Anorexia, it is a Chronic Disease with no cure...........woohoo

I hate the fact that I can't be normal.
I long to be average.

It infuriates me that IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!

After I put the finishing touches on his Birthday cake today..............I went upstairs, climbed into bed, and cried. I don't want to eat the cake. I don't want to eat. I forced myself to finish my burger and fries.........................I have not eaten much lately.

I can come up with many creative excuses as to why I am not nom-noming on all my favorite treats but that would be all they are..................excuses.

It's simple...........I gained weight....................

I can actually see it......the weight gain. I am puffier in some spots.....I jiggle......wiggle......

This is unsettling and very terrifying for me.

I look at myself in the mirror........naked............I don't like what I see right now..........
In my distorted mind's eye I see this funky shaped man/woman being with a fat gut, bird legs, and this unruly mane of huge curly hair.

I struggle everyday with feeling comfortable in my own skin.
I love the woman I have become and the things I have accomplished...............I just need to see it on paper. I can't look at myself and think about all the good things, the awesomeness without thinking that I am kidding myself.

This is something I will have to manage and battle everyday for the rest of my life.
This is something that will keep me constantly alone and isolationistic.
I have built up many walls........
I have defenses that work too well.


These are the things I don't say out loud........